Simon Mathews Is A Jerk: SIMON MATHEWS IS A JERK

Simon Mathews Is A Jerk: SIMON MATHEWS IS A JERK: Location 519 Spencer Street West Melbourne, 3003 Biography I am a fxxking jerk. I lied and cheated on all my girlfriends. I like to pl...

DONT GO, TERRIBLE SERVICE AND OVER PRICED FOOD

After 30 minutes we had to ask for some bread to eat, as nothing was forthcoming. They asked 3 times if we wanted water and each time we said yes, but it didn't come. After an hour we asked when our entree would come and we were asked why. Eventually it came and we ate it in 5 minutes (as we were hungry). We then had to wait for another hour before the main course came. I would almost have go over it if the food was exceptional, however the steak was totally raw and not edible and the lamb was very fatty. It is the first restaurant in Melbourne in more than 10 years that I haven't left a tip and the worst restaurant ever. Suggest you think twice before you go.

COMMENT BY MONTY 1320

THE ROYAL MAIL ON SPENCER (WORST BAR AND RESTAURANT IN MELBOURNE)

 

Located at 519 Spencer St. West Melbourne, 3003 Victoria, Australia

1. There are sleazy and ugly old people smoking outside all the time
Not for date or business people. The bar full with local drunken people like to hang out outside. You dont really want to go in if you are bringing your date.

2. The room is empty
Why is nobody here on a Thursday night? Just opened? Don’t kid me, I can see the look of desperation on the staff’s faces.

3. Spruikers try and drag you in sometimes
Obvious really. If they have to use the pressurised tactics of Benidorm timeshare spruikers…

4. Birds on tables
If the birds (or rats for that matter) are inside it’s even worse. And believe me, recently I’ve been attacked by sparrows both inside and outdoors and had my food stolen. Any self respecting restaurant doesn’t want birds near their tables. I’m resisting the obvious jokes.

5. Smells
If you can smell anything bad, especially the staff, you are in trouble. Either chef doesn’t change his clothes or the cooking oil or the restaurant is on fire.

6. Floor and toilet
I’m particularly thinking about floor finishes, anything with shocks of colour. If it looks like the toilet tiles, you’d be better visiting somewhere else.

6. Erections, part one
If menus stand bolt upright they are very probably repeating. Rarely, will they be updated, which means the food is unlikely to be seasonal and very probably frozen. Quality is inversely proportional to the height of the menu. Have you ever noticed that really posh restaurants have flat menus that won’t wipe clean?

7. Food on the menu
I mean physically. If your hands are sticky after touching a menu then the restaurant very probably doesn’t care. And very probably the menu is always the same

8. Erections, part two
Unless we are talking wine bottles, anything that large should be kept well away from the table. I’m thinking of laughably large food receptacles, ketchup bottles and, of course, the ubiquitous joke pepper grinder.

9. Room with a view
If the room has a view, food certainly will not be cheap. And rarely will the food be good.

10. Roadkill night and other themes
Really? If their business is good, why do they bother to have all the different name for the night? Food is still the same. Selling expiry food on the special menu??

11. Long menus
Over 20 items split across entrée, main and dessert is pushing it. If a restaurant is trying to be all things to all people, it isn’t very discerning. It’s probably sticking everything in the freezer and then microwaving it.

12. Erections, part three
If you spot any dessert or cake that is higher than say six inches – I’m being generous here – leave immediately. It’ll be bought in from some cheesecake chain, rot your teeth and very probably give you diabetes.

13. Anything peculiar
Just follow your instincts. If there are weird themes, uniforms – grown men dressed as chickens –or if anything makes you uneasy, just leave. This applies to quiz nights and belly dancing. It smacks of desperation.

14. Pokies/Footy Tipping
If gambling is the central theme, the whole restaurant are likely to be lurid and the food bad. Dont trust their footy tipping score. They may fool you the score and let their best friend to win the tipping!!!

15. Napkins
Controversial this one, but have you ever noticed how the slightest breeze can send your smelly napkin across the room. It is so smelly that you want to use your own cloth to wipe your mouth.

16. Vanilla ice cream
I’ve already aired my views on this. What vanilla ice cream is shorthand for is the mundane and unimaginative menu.